It seems that articles on dating and relationships in the
world today have been flooding my newsfeed as of late. Perhaps it’s the summer
wedding season taking its toll on my non-married friends (and, honestly, the
rest of the world)– a need to say “look, this is really hard for some of us.”
Two recent articles have haunted me: the first, Vanity Fair’s graphic look at
Tinder and today’s hookup culture (http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/08/tinder-hook-up-culture-end-of-dating),
the second, a sweeter, more personal individual’s account of a brief romantic
encounter that never went anywhere but could have from the New York Times (http://nyti.ms/1KTAZ35). I read these
articles with a strange mixture of intrigue, fear, and triumph.
Triumph because I’m a survivor. I am, essentially, an online
dating success story (if online dating success is defined as forming a long
term relationship with someone you meet online). I met my now fiancé, A., in
February 2014 on Hinge, a dating app that connects you with single friends of
friends on facebook. It didn’t hurt that we happened to attend the same
graduate school and even had a class together in the past. We were “facebook
official” in March, moved in together in August, and were engaged on New Year’s
Day 2015, less than 11 months from our first date.
I experience fear when I read these articles because I’m
only a year and a half removed from that world, and I never want to go back.
Before meeting A., I dabbled in online dating, but didn’t have the time,
self-esteem, or, frankly, interest, in hooking up with different guys every
night, like the Vanity Fair article describes. I was looking for a serious
relationship- a partner- though I certainly interacted with people looking for
other things. In a “market” seemingly saturated with people looking for
low-commitment high sex encounters, I feel lucky to have found someone looking
for the same things I was. I would seriously fear re-entering that world.
The social worker in me also reads these articles with
intrigue. I, like so many others, want to know how this culture developed and
what it reflects about the needs and fears of those in the dating world today.
Writers have argued that the ways millennials operate in the dating world
reflects the world we have grown up in - a world of endless choices and instant
gratification- where there’s always a newer model in development and divorce
seems more common than long lasting relationships.
But the truth is, this attitude and its behaviors are not
limited to the worlds of consumer electronics and dating, and they are not only
being enforced by technology and sex obsessed millennials. Take the job market
and hiring process, for example. Now, I remember learning from the first
sessions I went to at my college’s career center, that one of the hardest parts
of the job search was getting your foot in the door. Sending out blind cover
letters and resumes would likely result in no response. Thus the importance of
networking to find people to help to bring your application to the top of a
pile. So, when A. embarked on a job search this past spring, I knew that there
would be jobs he would send initial applications to and never hear a word from.
Annoying, but the way things work.
What I wasn’t prepared for was how organizations would
continue to treat him further along in the hiring process. He’s had a number of
jobs reach out for a first round phone interview, and once that’s completed,
never follow up. Even worse, he’s had skype interviews with entire hiring
committees without timely follow up. I’m an optimistic but realistic person. I
can accept that A. may not have been the perfect fit for some of these
positions or that there may be other, more qualified, applicants. But these are
the facts: A. is a person, he is a qualified professional, and he deserves a
response.
It struck me a few nights ago as we grumpily made dinner at the close
of day 11 after an interview promising “next steps” in 7-10 days that this
process feels like a complete mirror of the dating culture all of these
articles have described. Instead of a guy or girl you’ve gone on a seemingly
good first date with “ghosting,” that is, disappearing and not responding to
any follow up messages in order to avoid the awkwardness of stating rejection
or to keep options open in case someone better comes around, it’s a potential
employer. Meanwhile applicants wait with
their hopes and lives and livelihoods on the line.
Our society seems to have developed another kind of double
standard where a thank you note (or, let’s face it, e-mail) post interview is
essentially a requirement, but employers feel no obligation to keep applicants
updated on their application status. And, let’s be clear, the people making
these hiring process decisions are not the millennials who act out these same
behaviors in their dating lives- they are the professionals who write and talk
about these behaviors like they are new and unique to a particular generation.
The fact is our avoidance of rejection, of difficult
conversations, and of commitment - our beliefs that there is always a better
option and that people can infer what we mean without us having to state it --
These are not just characteristics of millennials- these are characteristics of
our entire society that permeate every aspect of our lives from shopping to
dating to applying for jobs. We seem to have forgotten that commitment is OK,
and so is outright saying no. But it’s the in between, the “limbo” place, which
is harmful, painful, and oh so pervasive. I think this should change. And, call
me biased, but I think HR policies would be a great place to start.
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